Mapping out my life plans is something that I do spontaneously whenever I am halfway through reading...a textbook. That's how much of a scumbag my brain is. And the latest scumbag attack was a few weeks back when I was reviewing for the entrance exam of a residency program that I was trying to get into.
During med school, I was all set to go straight to residency right after the board exams. Now that I came to that point, that is what I tried to do because that was how I envisioned my life after the exam. But as I was reading from my textbook, I kept on thinking about doing other things that I haven't done during med school (read: go to places I've never been to). It bugged me a lot because I just realized that I even after the board exam, I couldn't do that again since I'd be going to residency training.
It came to the point that as I was reading my textbook in that coffee shop beside the hotel in Adriatico, tears would roll down my cheeks. I knew it. I'm not happy with my choice because it reflected on everything I did. Think of it as me pressing the self-destruct button. That's how bad it went. I've been way too distracted to even pay enough attention to what I really needed because of the goal of going straight to residency is what I thought I wanted.
Choosing to take the year off has been one of the most challenging decision that I ever made. Not to mention, it's also the best decision that I ever made. I didn't mind the naysayers because they don't know how it feels like to go through somehing that you are not emotionally ready for. Going through something that you didn't feel ready for feels like I'm waking up for nothing, awaiting to be sucked into a vortex of emptiness only to be spat out, then taken in again. It's a vicious cycle that drains your mind and spirit.
Now I'm happier because I can practice medicine and at the same time I get to do the things that I've always wanted to do. Not only that I got to think about how I really wanted to train in a surgical specialty. I also felt a sense of independence because I made a choice albeit a different one from what I originally intended to do. And I don't feel any remorse even if the present is what I didn't expect it would turn out to be.
Moral of the story is that it is only YOU who knows what's best. Sometimes, it is only right to give yourself some love after all the hardwork that you've been through.
Damn these feels! 😱
